


Wake Me Up

by ILLEGAILE



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Nightmare, Sadness, just sad, so much sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-14 20:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4578771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILLEGAILE/pseuds/ILLEGAILE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lewis screws his eyes shut, willing the nightmares away. Willing himself to sleep. Because in his dreams he sees a boy with stardust in his hair and when he wakes his world is dark again. </p>
<p>(What do you do when everything you know is wrong? What do you do when your world doesn't exist?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Colorless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ssilverarrowss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssilverarrowss/gifts).



> For my darling Lis, feel better boo.

Lewis doesn't notice the subtleties at first.

He goes about his day normally. He takes a seat in his kitchen, has his sparse lifeless breakfast and reviews the telemetry. He sets himself up for another day of Practice, not particularly worried about the race weekend.

He doesn't notice anything wrong when he arrives at the track where the marshals already have a parking spot for him. Doesn't notice anything when he enters the paddock other than the fact that his name was printed on the walls along with his profile and it brings a small smile to his lips.

He's changed into his overalls and ready for Practice 1 in a few minutes when he bumps into one of the guys.

"Sorry" the blonde grins but the accent is all wrong, he looks up expecting to be greeted by his teammate but is met with someone else entirely.

"What?" Lewis squints, his mind supplying a name five seconds after. "Hülkenberg"

"Hamilton" he nods, laughing to himself and Lewis is not amused.

"What are you doing here?" He asks even if he doesn't really care but Hulk raises an eyebrow at him.

"I'm supposed to be here" Hulk answers, gesturing to his clothes and Lewis' eyes widen because he's wearing his colors. White and Teal overalls. "I'm your teammate"

Lewis rolls his eyes patting Hulk on the shoulder. "Real funny, man. Give Nico back his overalls"

"Lewis" Hulk frowns at him. "These are my overalls and I'm your teammate" he insisted and Lewis was beginning to seriously dislike this prank.

"Nice try, you're in Force India with Perez. My teammate is Nico." Lewis says but his voice is getting weaker, like he's starting to believe Hulk's bullshit.

"Esteban is in Force India, are you okay?" Hulk's frown deepens and his hand is heavy on Lewis' shoulder. Too heavy. Too tall. His eyes were the wrong shade. Everything about this is wrong, Lewis is not okay. He's so fucking far from okay.

He's searching the room for Tony but he's not around, he searches the wall on the opposite side of the paddock for Nico's name and it's Hülkenberg instead of Rosberg. He's about to bolt towards Toto and away from Hülkenberg when his eyes land on the car.

The other Mercedes looked similar, the sleek frames and tires akin to the one he drove but with a different number.

Except it's not right either, because the number on the car isn't 6.

The number on the car is 27.

Lewis is shocked before the absolute fury creeps in. "What kind of joke is this? Jesus Christ!" He screams and the crowd of engineers part for Toto Wolff.

"Lewis, calm down" he tries to capture Lewis in his arms but the Brit is thrashing like he's never thrashed before it makes him dizzy. "What's going on?"

"What did you do?" Lewis growls, low like an animal cornered and weak. "I know you fired him, how could you replace him with Hülkenberg?"

"We didn't replace anyone" Toto looks at Lewis, confused. "Michael left in 2012 and you joined the team with Nico-"

"Nico was teammates with Michael-"

"Hülkenberg, yes he was. He was here before you-"

"No" Lewis shakes his head in protest. "Nico Rosberg was teammates with Michael"

"As in Keke?" Toto asked, looking thoroughly amused.

"Keke's son, my teammate. Where is he?" Lewis asked, growing impatient.

Toto and Hulk shared a look, stepping closer to him tentatively. "Lewis" they started, voices laced with concern. It unnerved Lewis.

"Come on, guys. Nico Rosberg. Stop messing around. Where is he? Where's Viv and the baby? We have a championship to win."

Toto holds Lewis firmly in his arms, the Austrian's eyes are piercing. "Keke never had a child"

"He does-"

"No, listen. He never had a child, we are in the middle of the grid, there's no hope for the championship this year unless we can pull off a miracle and Nico is your teammate-"

"No!" Lewis tears away from him, German arms wrapping around him like a straight jacket but they aren't his Nico's. They are Hulk's and everything was starting to feel too real for his liking. "You're wrong"

"Nico Hülkenberg is your teammate!" Toto yelled, done with Lewis' shenanigans. The Brit grit his teeth, using the last of his energy to lunge towards Toto. Hulk lets go, the sheer surprise getting the better of him and Lewis goes tumbling down with Toto under him.

"Where is he????" He pounds weakly at Toto, he just wants them to stop. This isn't funny. He wants them to stop staring at him like he's crazy. Like Nico isn't real. He wants more than anything to hear Nico laughing at him.

But Nico doesn't, and Toto pulls him to his feet.

"Set your head straight before Qualifying tomorrow, Hamilton" Toto says before Lewis is sent back to his hotel room.

Lewis stares at the car parked in Nico's parking space before he drives back. He stares at the ball Roscoe is playing with, Sebastian's ball instead of the one Nico got him on his first birthday. He searches his luggage for that one shirt he never returned to Nico and it's not there.

When he's finally exhausted himself, he crawls into his hotel bed and opens his Instagram.

_nicorosbergofficial_ does not exist.

He checks Google.

_Did you mean Keke Rosberg?_

He opens his Facebook.

_Nico Rosberg_ does not exist.

He presses the home button, nodding at the soft "Hi" Siri chimed at him.

"Call Nico Rosberg"

Siri buffers for a while before the voice returns to break Lewis' heart. "Nico Rosberg does not exist in your contact-"

He throws the damned thing at the wall, burrowing himself into the sheets and let's the tears fall.

_"Nico Rosberg does not exist"_ Siri repeats in her emotionless robotic voice, it's the last thing Lewis hears before he falls asleep.

His dreams are filled with childish hopes, Championship trophies, and a blue eyed boy with stardust in his hair. Lewis never wants to wake up.


	2. Soundless

"Lew?"

Lewis groaned, batting the offending hand away in pursuit of more sleep.

"Lew"

"Not now Nico-" Lewis' eyes snapped open, mind reeling when he finally managed to sit up. Brown eyes meet impossibly blue ones and Lewis couldn't conjure the words to say.

Nico fucking Rosberg. That beautiful bastard. Why wasn't he wearing a shirt? And more importantly, why was he all wet??

"Hey" he smirked, leaning back on his arms. "You dozed off"

Lewis blinked, taking in his surroundings for the first time. They were at a cove, white sand between your fingers caught between Nico's hair, stuck in his finger nails. Why were they at a beach?

"You still with me, Lew?" Lewis squinted at Nico. He hasn't called him Lew in years.

"Today's qualifying"

Nico laughed, completely at home under the beating rays of the sun. Lewis tried not to stare at his chiseled chest. Much.

"It is"

Lewis frowned at that. "Why are we at the beach then?"

Nico's expression shifted to quiet sadness, a bittersweet smile on his face. The exact same one Nico gave him last year when they decided to break it off, the face he made when Lewis realized he never showed Nico he cared.

"Vivian and I are getting married" Nico had said softly to compensate for how loud Lewis heart sounded as it broke. It was raining then, thunder rumbling outside of his apartment.

He never told Nico he loved him, it was too late.

Dream Nico's fingers flew up to trace the lines on Lewis' face fervently, comitting every dimple to memory.

"Lewis?"

The Brit swallowed the lump in his throat, fearing Nico's inevitable departure. He wasn't ready to let go. Not yet. A few more minutes, hours, days-

Nico pressed his lips against the skin of Lewis' neck, where he knows he can feel Lewis' pulse throbbing erratically. He whispers two words in Lewis' ear.

"Wake up"

* * *

 

 

"Lewis! Wake up!" He gasps, shoving Nico Hülkenberg off him. What was he even doing in his-

No. NO.

"Nico" Lewis whispered.

"Yes?" Hulk crossed his arms, eyebrow raised at Lewis' continually strange behavior.

"NICO!" Lewis shot out of bed, throwing on a jacket.

"I'm right here-" Hulk said, catching the shorter man in his arms. Lewis clawed at him, trying to reach for the door. He had to find him. He had to know.

"Not you. Nico. Keke's son. Nico Rosberg, I need him. Not you." Lewis muttered quickly, he didn't ask for much. He just wanted Hulk to let him go. "Please, let me go. I need to find him."

"You won't"

"I will"

Hülkenberg pinned him to the wall, dialing a number on his phone. 911. "You can't"

"Hülkenberg, you let me go you shithead-" Lewis thrashed, his door slamming open and medics flooding into his room in crisp white uniforms. None of them were blonde. None of them had blue eyes. None of them were Nico.

"He's real." Lewis protested against their wandering hands. "I know he is"

"He's not real" Hülkenberg set him down, letting the medics deal with him. They all crawled on top of him, waving a questionable looking syringe in their clammy hands. Lewis raised his head to look at Hülkenberg one last time.

"He's real"

Nico Hülkenberg turned to look at the now sedated Brit, still muttering nonsense under his breath.

"Tell him I'm sorry" he said, watching the syringe piercing into his skin with a hiss. His eyelids heavy. "Tell him he can't get married, I-"

Car Number 44 didn't participate in the race that Sunday. Pascal Wehrlein claimed his first career points and Lewis Hamilton was confined to a hospital.

#KeepFightingLewis2K15 trended worldwide and when Nico Hülkenberg Googled Nico Rosberg the page came up blank.

"Nico?" Hulk turned around, still frowning when Sergio re-entered the room in only a towel. "Something wrong?"

Hulk refreshed the page. Nothing.

He stood up, holding Checo in his arms. "Nothing's wrong" he kissed Checo's dark damp strands and let his mind wander.

It was nothing. He didn't exist. _You checked_.

"Tell him I'm sorry"

He didn't exist.


	3. Lifeless

The next time Lewis wakes up it's to doctors all dressed in pristine white coats hovering over him. The days blend, mixing into each other. They send him a psychologist. The scan his brain for unusual activity. They send him to seminars for schizophrenia.

Lewis doesn't give in, he clings to the thought of Nico. From his long legs to his too shapely hips, to his broad shoulders and strong arms. The taste of his smooth skin, how it feels agains Lewis'.

He thinks about Nico until he loses consciousness, until he can go back to dreaming about a boy with blue eyes and starlight in his hair.

The day they give Lewis medication to stop him from dreaming is the day he stops speaking to the doctors. During the first day, they'd thought he was fine. They even classified it as a success, better than when he was talking about his imaginary best friend. But as more weeks, months, a year passed they grew more anxious. They didn't stop giving him the medication. It makes Lewis angry.

The one place he could be normal, the one place he could be whole again was in his dreams because it was only there he saw Nico full and beautiful.

He groaned at the shot they were administering into his arm. Another sedative. Another shot to make him forget but they never learn. Lewis refuses to forget. Not again. Not when he knew what he wanted. Not now that he knows everything he could lose.

He gets a visitor a year after waking up to a world without Nico and it's the last person he could ever have imagined coming to visit.

But it's also the one person he needed.

"Lewis?"

The older racer stepped into the room, hesitant. Lewis bites back a smile. Right, Keke never had Nico in this world. Which means Keke's never had the opportunity to meet Lewis. "Hello, I hear you're not well."

Lewis stared at him, not quite sure how he's supposed to respond to that.

"I hear they left you in this blasted place to rot because you believe in a man who doesn't exist" Keke continued, the way Lewis seemed to flinch not escaping his notice. "I hear you think I had a son."

Keke leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "I'm sorry, I don't. And I never have."

**Smack!**

Lewis' breathing was uneven and his hand stung where his skin slapped against the side of Keke's face but the man's only reaction was to stare at him, shocked.

"You never loved your son. I'm fucking glad you don't remember him because you don't deserve to you son of a bitch." Lewis voice came out low and gravely from disuse but the threat in his voice hit Keke like a freight train.

"He was brave and kind and perfect and he deserves so much more than to be forgotten like this. To be cast out of the picture." Lewis coughs, wet trails fall from his eyes down his cheeks for the first time in a long time. "He was a champion"

"He isn't real" Keke said calmly.

"He was!" Lewis screamed.

"You said was" Keke crossed his arms, amused at how Lewis stopped to think on it. He had said was. "You barely believe it yourself, do you?"

"I can't lose him." Lewis insists, admits, confesses that in the recesses of his mind he'll never get better. Under all the medication and the sedatives there was only one cure. "I can't."

"You love him" Keke's expression softens, sitting next to Lewis. The Brit wants to shove him away, he really does, but instead he clings to the older Rosberg like a child on his first day of Kindergarten.

"I remember everything about him" he mutters, Keke's hand rubbing at his back in soothing circles. "His teal shoes, his long eyelashes, even the stupid way he always reaches up to fix his hair even if I've barely touched it."

"He sounds perfect" Keke nods understandingly, the same man he remembers from his childhood taking him and Nico across Europe for the summer spoiling them with Pizza. "Is he smart?"

Lewis swallowed thickly and nodded. "He is, even knows how to unicycle and he speaks five languages." He smiles ever so slightly at the way Keke switched all his verbs to present tense, like he was trying to get to know Nico. Like Nico was really his son. "He's beautiful"

A beat, thirty seconds and Keke stands up to leave but before he does he whispers in Lewis' ear. "Don't let them break you."

Lewis' eyes widen, a spark of recognition in Keke's eyes giving him hope.

When he goes into his next session with his Psychologist he spends two hours talking about his childhood with Nico. The Psychologist is so enraptured by their story that she was unable to make an objective report.

She's fired. All the Psychologists after her don't know how to deal with Lewis. They don't let Keke visit anymore, Lewis is getting too hard to handle they insisted. He didn't need another talk. Not from Keke, not from anyone.

Lewis tries to escape after that, always caught before he could leave. But he never stops.

It's another five years until his next visitor and if he thought Keke was surprising this blew that observation into tiny pieces.

"Hülkenberg" he dead panned.

Nico Hülkenberg grinned at him, offering him a seat on the wheelchair. "Hamilton"

"I'm not an invalid." Lewis snaps.

"I know" he nods appreciatively. "Humor me" Lewis wants to get out of his room so he lets Hulk push him to the garden outside. The guard tries to stop them but Hulk waves a card at them. Some sort of VIP card. He remembers rumblings in the asylum. Hulk had won the championship that year. Lewis is genuinely happy for him, he doubts Hulk could have beaten him if he was still around. Only Nico could do that.

 _Nico_ , he looks up at the sky as blue as Nico's eyes. It's been too long.

"Lewis" Hulk nudges his shoulder, stopping the wheelchair. "Can you walk?" He asked and Lewis snorts at him.

"Of course I can"

"Good" Hülkenberg presses a paper in his hands and helps him up from the wheelchair. Lewis looks down and gasps. It's a drawing, a detailed one on Nico crudely sketched like the artist was only guessing at what he looked like. A name was signed on the bottom.

From Keke.

Under it was an address.

 

 

"What-"

Hulk folded the wheelchair closed and looked sternly at Lewis. One word escapes from his lips. "Run"

"What??" Lewis asks, thoroughly confused. Hulk's eyes dart to the approaching guards then back to Lewis, pressing the paper deeper into his hand.

"Find him"

Lewis breathes out, holding the paper firmly in his hand as he turned to face the road.

"Hey!" The guards shouted, chasing after the running Brit but Hulk didn't move an inch. He swung the folded wheelchair into two of the guards, tackling the last two into the ground.

Lewis' bare feet bruise against the rough ground but he runs. He runs until he can't run anymore and then he runs some more. Runs until his vision goes black.

"Don't let them break you"

The darkness drags him down.

* * *

His alarm blares to life next to him and Lewis startles awake in his hotel room completely disoriented. He drags a hand through his hair and sees himself, healthy and glowing with youth. He's definitely not in the asylum.

He switches off his cellphone alarm, almost dropping it when he saw the date.

September 4, 2015

The day he lost Nico.

His phone starts buzzing in his hand and he answers instinctively. His voice not as strained as he remembered when he answered the call with a tentative "hello?".

"Get your ass down here, Lewis. It's almost time for practice. What are you doing??" Toto yells into his ear and he's too afraid to ask about Hulk. Too afraid that the nightmare has started all over again. He's pinched himself and he still won't wake up. "Come on, get over here-"

"Yeah yeah, on my way" he answers, as normally as he possibly can before taking a shower then driving to the track in his car.

When he gets to the track he stares at the empty parking space next to his. Nico's space.

"Hey Hamilton" He looks up, posture relaxing when he saw Nico Hülkenberg-

In Force India overalls.

Lewis arms wrap around the taller German before he can make sense of anything and Hulk hugged back, seemingly amused by Lewis' spontaneity. "Now, Lewis. You should know I'm taken-"

"Sergio"

Hülkenberg's eyes shift as if pondering whether or not to admit defeat which he ultimately does, smiling at Lewis.

Lewis places a hand on his shoulder, nodding. "Never let him go"

Hülkenberg looks surprised but nods nonetheless, waving to Lewis as he disappears into the Mercedes Garage. "Good luck with the race."

Lewis laughs good-naturedly, too preoccupied waving back at Hülkenberg to avoid colliding with someone in the garage.

"Shit, I'm sorry" Lewis stuttered, not really used to interacting after 6 years in an asylum. Was it all a terrible dream?

Then, a soft throaty chuckle. "You always were the clumsiest of us all"

Lewis' breath hitched, tears pooling in his eyes because standing in front of him as perfect as the day he was born was Nico Erik Rosberg.

"Nico" he raised a hand to brush his fingers against Nico's cheek. The other man, shifting his feet awkwardly. The teal and white look perfect on him and Lewis doesn't realize how much he's missed it until now.

"This is the part where you say ' _fuck you_ ' and then ruffle my hair to annoy me?" He mutters to himself and Lewis feels a smile, a real one, bloom across his face for the first time in a long time.

"You're real" he whispers.

Nico raises a brow at him, concerned. "Are you okay?"

Lewis wipes at the tears in his eyes shamelessly, reaching both hands up to hold both sides of Nico's face. "I'm fine"

Nico rolls his eyes, unimpressed. "Are you sure? Because-"

"I love you" Lewis starts, all the regrets and all the feelings building up again. He can't let go. Not again. Not now that he's found him. He can't live-

"Lewis-"

"I know I've never told you before but I need to tell you now, it's okay if you go. Marry Vivian. She can make you happy. She can give you kids and a house with a white picket fence. I just needed you to know." He rested his forehead against Nico's feeling so close but so very far. "I've loved you forever, Nico. And I'm never going to stop."

"I-" Nico tries to answer but before he can Lewis' lips are on him, searching and needing and-

"Finally" Nico mutters against his best friend's lips and sparks fly. "I've been waiting so long"

Lewis eyes flew open, meeting mischievous blue orbs. "Does this mean-"

"I love you too, you idiot" Nico kisses him chastely, not letting Lewis drag it out like he wanted to causing the Brit to pout. "What brought this on?"

Lewis' expression hardens, not wanting to relive that horrible dream but at the same time wanting to tell Nico. "I'll tell you later" he promises, fingers weaving through Nico's. "Over dinner"

"Only if I'm cooking" Nico winks and Lewis lets himself laugh, the 6 years without Nico not lost but overthrown by this moment of happiness. Lewis decides that it's enough.

His world went from colorless to soundless to lifeless but Nico's warmth saved him.

And, oddly enough, that nightmare woke him up to what he was really feeling too.

"It's a date" he says before pulling away, jamming his helmet on.

Visors down, one quick glance at Nico, and he shot out of the garage.

"Good to have you back, Lewis" his race engineer said into his ear and he smiled.

"Good to _be_ back"


End file.
